I Am Beautiful
by Mini Sweety
Summary: OneShot. I've finally gotten a chance to express myself, to show you I've suffered more than HER, while you hate me more than HER. Honestly, I don't find it fair, and I'd like everyone to hear my words, because unlike what you thought, I Am Beautiful.


**Author's Note:** _Just a little one-shot I've suddenly had an urge for._

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**Title:** _I Am Beautiful_

**Author**: Mini Sweety

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_I am beautiful…_

_No matter what they say…_

_Words can't bring me down…_

_I am beautiful…_

_In every single way…_

_Yes, words can't bring me down…_

_Oh no…_

_So don't you bring me down, today…_

--

I don't know what to say. Really. I can't complain anymore, like I had before, because of my own decision. I chose to give him up, and that's that. There's no taking it back. Absolutely none.

Still, I'd like a chance to express myself, a chance I've never gotten before.

No matter what you think of me, I still need to let my words be heard.

I'll begin with when I was little…

--

I was only three, then, and I had to train, I had to learn how to fight. I had a cousin, who was as cold as ice. He never spoke, nor did he ever smile, all he did was train. And because I was born on March 25, and he was born on July 13, it made me older than him, though he was in a much more advanced class.

I trained with many friends, we all had the same teacher, while he, the grumpy boy, got his own tutor because he was better than us, in every way. I used to frown whenever I saw him, or whenever his name was mentioned.

I didn't really like him, he was so silent and scary, but at the same time I felt sorry for him. He didn't have any friends, you see, because even though we were all so young, we knew fright, and we were frightened of him.

But I guess you could say I was just plain odd, but I was most definitely impressed by his skills, I would look at the way he fought and wish I had talents like that, but I didn't, because our teacher didn't teach it to us yet since we were still learning the basics.

Another thing was that my dad and his dad were brothers (my dad was the younger one), and my mom and his mom were also very close friends, so he came over for dinner very often.

He always sat so straight, with an unchangeable face.

Yet once, I think we were 4 that time, he came over again, and his father had just died. I wasn't very sure what the word 'die' means yet, all I knew was that I am never going to see uncle again.

My mother and his mother wanted to talk. "Ling Ling, why don't you show Xiao Lang your room?" My mother asked sweetly.

"Yes, that's a good idea, you never showed him your room have you?" Auntie Yelan said. A pause. "Xiao Lang, remember?" She said in a mysterious voice.

"Yes mother." He replied dully, then walked from the dining room to the living room, came back a few minutes later with a bucket that look huge compared to him. It was covered with a piece of cloth. Then he looked at me with a straight face. "Mother and auntie has requested for us to go to your room. Let's go."

I nodded, shifting uncomfortably, but left anyways. I didn't bother to grab his hand and pull him with me like I do with all my other friends, I just walked ahead, hoping he decided not to follow me.

No such luck.

I sat on my bed comfortably, while he stood beside me, straight as a stick and placed the bucket in front of me. "This is for you." He said.

I slipped off my bed and pulled back the cloth. I gasped. "How pretty!" I giggled and opened the cage, and grabbed the birdie gently in my hands. It had a gray back, pointy, wide beak, large eyes, and reddish orange chest. Its wings were gray and black and silver on top, but at the tips, they were bright red. I looked up at him with sparkling eyes. "Thank you so much, Xiao Lang!"

He looked straight at me. No smile, no blush, no expression whatsoever. "Mother bought this for you. Not me."

I frowned. Why is he so mean?

It didn't matter, I was awfully fond of the little bird after - I named it Ji Ji. I would carry the oversized and heavy cage with me every morning, so when I trained, Ji Ji could see me. After I trained, my friend would all surround Ji Ji and we would play with her.

I loved it so much, it was the first pet I've ever had, and it really, really liked me.

But one day, on my fifth birthday, I invited all my friends over. Xiao Lang came too, he came to every single one of my birthdays because he was my cousin, and mommy always invited him and auntie Yelan. He always brought over a present, but probably because his mother forced him to, or it just an act of manner.

This year, he gave me a toy for Ji Ji. I was happy, because at least he noticed I loved my darling birdie, well, or maybe his mother did… but how would she know? Xiao Lang trains near me, not her…

I was having so much fun, though it was raining outside, I couldn't care less, until one of my friends came running up to me. "Ling Ling, Ling Ling!" She cried.

I turned around with a happy face, "Come on, hurry, I'm going to blow out my birthday candles!"

She shook her head and looked down in shame. "I'm sorry, Ling Ling, I was playing with Ji Ji, and, and it flew away."

My smile immediately died. "It, it flew away?"

She nodded.

I ran out my house and ran down the steps, I have to find it, I have to! My mother held me back and shook her head. "No, Ling Ling, not now, it's raining, you can't go out, you'll catch a cold."

"No! Mommy! Ji Ji escaped! I have to get it back! Mommy!"

She shook her head. "No, Ling Ling, we'll get you another one tomorrow."

"I want Ji Ji!" Then I began to cry. My friends stayed inside the house, they were scared. Only Xiao Lang came out after a while. I looked up at him, he looked down at me, and he ran into the rain.

I was shocked by his action, especially when he didn't even look back after auntie Yelan and my mommy called for him.

He sure was a faster runner, within seconds, he was out of sight.

Auntie Yelan told us he'll be ok, he always was, so they went inside. But I was worried. What on earth is he doing? Somehow I knew he was in the rain because of me. I just have a feeling because the look he gave me before he left was peculiar. I sat by the steps, waiting, and waiting. My party was in the morning, I waited till the afternoon, it continued to rain, one friend after another left and wished be 'happy birthday' in a strange tone, but Xiao Lang was not back. My heart pounded. What if he never comes back? Where did he go anyways?

Soon, the sky began to darken, and that's when I saw a figure running towards me, I stood up, my eyes were wide. Xiao Lang was jogging, he was soaked from head to toe, yet his hands were wrapped around something, I couldn't tell what it was until he was practically standing right in front of me. He removed his right hand that was covering the object, and I saw a pretty little bird.

"Ji Ji!" I cried, but I didn't immediately retrieve the bird from his hand, instead, I look at him with tears in my eyes. "Xiao Lang…" I jumped and hugged him tightly, he almost fell on his butt. "Thank you!" I cried.

"Hey, watch it, you might hurt the bird!" He protested. It was the first time he ever spoke to me without being forced to by auntie Yelan.

I liked him a lot since that day, and I wanted to train with him. I brought up my skills and asked his tutor to tutor both of us at the same time. I had to prove myself first, and I passed.

From then all, I trained with Xiao Lang at a more advanced level, we learnt together, every move was repeated so often and stuck in our brain we could fight side by side and you'd think I was a mirror reflection of him with a girl's body.

I ate lunch with him as well. He didn't talk much, but the more days we spent together, the more he talked, he was still kind of cold and harsh… and quiet, but occasionally he would smile a little and maybe even let a conversation go on without letting me do all the talking.

I don't mind, really, ever since he rescued Ji Ji, I knew that deep down, he was a very kind person. I liked him, he was my favourite cousin, and I knew I was his favourite cousin as well, because he talks to me more than anyone else.

--

I understood more as I grew older, and by the time I was six, I was in love with him. I knew I was, he was the only boy I talked to, and he was the nicest to me, always. I was young, and didn't know what 'shy' was, actually I never did know, I was the kind of person who would say whatever that's on my mind. He was invited over to my house again, and we sat on a tiny table in the kitchen, I told him I loved him and wanted to be his bride once we were older.

He seemed very uncomfortable, maybe even frightened by me, but I can be very persuasive, and very adorable, so adorable you would find it hard to say to me when you look into my teary eyes.

He didn't say 'yes'. He said 'do whatever you want'. I assumed that was 'yes', and he knew that 'do whatever you want' meant 'yes' as well.

From then on, we weren't just cousins, he was also my fiancé, of course I told mommy and auntie about it, they were surprised but agreed.

I began to become possessive since that day. He was my fiancé, my future husband, why should any other girl get close to him? I would glare at any girl that was a treat, and I was pretty confident no one would dare to steal him away from me. Why shouldn't I be? I'm the master at fighting, and I'm smarter than average students!

I grew up with confidence, and it stayed with me. My eyes always glowed with power, with liveliness.

I just knew that he would fall in love with me someday, because, well, he didn't like any other girl… and he have to get married someday, and since I'm the only one he talks to, I figured he would've chosen me to be his bride anyways.

My protectiveness may seem annoying, at least everyone thought I was a bitch by that… but you know what? I'm just trying to protect my fiancé! You people feel jealous when your boyfriends are near some other girl, and you don't think there's anything wrong with that. So honestly, I don't find anything wrong with being possessive of my fiancé.

He soon got used to the idea of us being engaged, because he didn't complain about it anymore. But then, he was told about the Clow Cards, and he had to go to Japan.

He left for a bit, and I couldn't help but to feel a little off balance, so I decided to go find him.

Of course me, going there made everyone hate me. Because _she_ was so innocent, and nice, and naïve, and blah, blah, blah. You all hated me because I wasn't nice to _her_. Sometimes it makes me wonder, if for some reason _she_ didn't like me, and I liked _her_, and we still had our personality, you probably would hate me anyways, because _she _is always sweet and innocent, so there must be a reason why _she _didn't like me! And besides, _she_'s the main character, the main characters are always right.

Then again, sometimes I think to myself, if I were _her_, innocent and oblivious to Xiao Lang's feelings, maybe everything would've ended happily for me. I could just say 'huh? I'm so naïve and innocent, I didn't realize Xiao Lang's feelings for _her_…' And there's no way Xiao Lang would come up to me and say, 'hey, you know what? Engagement's off man, I'm in love with her.'

Maybe if I were more innocent you people wouldn't hate me, but that's not who I am, and you can't change that! I'm not so horrible, really! If I were, I wouldn't have given a damn about anybody, I would pretend not to notice Xiao Lang's feelings, since he's coming back to Hong Kong after this is all over anyways, what's there for me to worry about? But I cared about Xiao Lang, I wanted him to be happy. So I called off my engagement.

Then people liked me. Why? Because I sacrificed myself for _her_.

Because you all like her.

Because _she_ and _him_ can be together and not me and _him_.

Only when I do something for _her_ will you like me.

I don't think that's fair.

Think of it this way, why couldn't _she_ have sacrificed _her_self for me? Why couldn't she have let go of Syaoran for me? In the end, I guess in order for me to liked, I have to suffer.

Unfair.

Totally.

What makes me even sadder is that I don't really have a purpose in _that thing_, my whole purpose was to be an obstacle between _her _and Xiao Lang's love! Everyone else is so famous, everyone else is so liked. If you find a poll, the least favourite character is always me. The favourite is always either _her_ or Xiao Lang. It's not fair. I made the most sacrifices and I'm liked the least. While _she_, _she_ got everything _she_ wanted, _her_ happily ever after – not worried about what I thought – is still loved.

Of course I told _her_ I don't care! What am I suppose to say? 'Hi you, yeah, giving him up is tearing me up inside, I feel like committing suicide and I want to kill you because you exist 'cause if you didn't he would still be mine. Yes, I've spent longer time with him than you and I don't know why I have to be the one making the sacrifice when I got him first. Of course I still feel hate towards you for this thing even if I don't hate you as much as I did originally. And yes, of course I think you're a boyfriend-thieving bitch. But yeah, no pressure, just keeping dating him and loving him while I'm right beside you watching feeling jealous. Have fun!'

Everyone's making sacrifices for her because she's so innocent. Dude, if I acted more innocent, maybe everyone will make sacrifices for me? I don't think it's fair, just because we express things differently, we have a totally parted life. One is happily ever after with everything she wants while the other is a life falling straight to hell.

And to think you all hate me when I've got the toughest life.

Honestly, I like _her best friend_ a lot more. _Her best friend_ is more understanding, she's not over naïve to the point of stupidity. She was the only one who thought about me as I cried all night. _She_ was probably sleeping at home, peacefully.

Sometimes I wonder, if she was less innocent, would y'all still love her like you do? Who knows.

I guess the main thing that saddens me is my role in this whole thing. An obstacle to two lovers.

An obstacle.

What if the show was based on my life instead?

Wouldn't that make _her_ the obstacle?

I know what you all think. She wouldn't be the obstacle because Xiao Lang doesn't like me. Well, new flash, she didn't like Xiao Lang that time either.

But no-o-o-o, _this _is not about me, it's about _her_, which makes me the bitch.

I guess I'm just trying to prove to you that I'm not as bad as you think I am, and I deserve more credit. Seriously, if you go on the Internet and search for _her_, you'd find thousands of pictures! If you search for me, well, I don't exist. Can you believe there are people who would rather put Sakura's dad and mother and Clow Reed on their site rather than me?

Honestly, I deserve more than that! I've already lost everything what else do you expect from me? I've already cried on someone's lap for an entire night, what else do you want me to do? Huh?

I don't think I'm a bad person. And neither should you.

The main reason for this story if to let you understand more about what I'm going through, and maybe see me in a different point-of-views.

Truly, I am just misunderstood.

Yes, I believe so.

_I am beautiful._

Yes I am.

**Author's Note:** _I suppose you've all figured out by now this story is in Li Meiling's point of view. She's my favourite character and I'm so pissed when people hate her and the fact she's ignored. And 'her' stands for Sakura, which you already know._

_The little 'song' at the beginning is a paragraph from 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera._


End file.
